


What do you do?

by justhuman



Category: NCIS
Genre: Foot Fetish, Gen, Humor, Shoes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-03
Updated: 2009-05-03
Packaged: 2017-10-10 21:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/104552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhuman/pseuds/justhuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What does it take for Jimmy to give Tony the inside track on some ME intel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What do you do?

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through 5.17

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[my_ncis_fic](http://justhuman.livejournal.com/tag/my_ncis_fic)  
  
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**  
What do you do? **

  
_duck fly coop - &lt;3 dr is in_

Jimmy hit send and checked himself out in a mirror that was typically used to peer inside bodies. Lifting his hand to his mouth, he did a breath check. This was followed by a silent, _Thank God,_ that he'd passed on the tuna for lunch.

Obligingly, his phone played a little cha cha, letting him know that the lovely Agent Lee was texting him back.

_#%@*! cooling heels in pentagon like 2 heat up with u - l8r_

With a sound of pure frustration, Jimmy hit the delete button and slid his phone across the counter. Sure they found opportunities when Dr. Mallard was around, but with him gone, the possibilities were - Jimmy blinked and ran his tongue over his lips, wondering what they would do differently with Ducky out of the lab.

As he pondered this, Jimmy put on a fresh pair of gloves and pulled Staff Sgt. Muliver's body back out of the locker. Apparently, he should have texted prior to stowing his guest. The cause of death had been elementary and backed up by a bloody knife found at the crime scene. Now that he had time on his hands, Jimmy was going to get on with the more routine work. It was probably better that he did this sooner rather than later -being caught short on answers when Gibbs showed up was not conducive to his continued employment or existence.

Stepping over to the supply drawer, he pulled out a docking station with speakers and popped in his iPod. "Well, Sergeant, since Dr. Mallard isn't here to complain, let's mix it up with a little third-wave punk, ska, and new wave. The most important thing is you that can dance to it."_ Zoot Suit Riot_ began to echo off the tiled walls as Jimmy took a couple steps and then slid to a halt in front of the body just as the horns kicked in. "Don't worry; I'll dance for both of us. "Closing his eyes, Jimmy began to move, rocking along with the beat and doing a spin during the first chorus.

"Is that the Squirrelnut Zippers?"

Jimmy nearly crashed into the locker doors as his eyes flew open. "Tony! I was, I was just-" Jimmy straightened up and cleared his throat before walking over to the body and opening the flaps of the Y-incision. "No."

DiNozzo had on that shit-eating grin that he got when he thought he had something on you - something that you'd never live down. With a swagger in his step, Tony came up to the other side of the table.

"No? No what? No I didn't just catch you flailing all over autopsy to a little swing." As Tony spoke, he fake-stumbled across half the lab

Rolling his eyes, Jimmy sighed. "That's neo-swing, and no, it isn't the Squirrelnut Zippers. It's the Cherry Poppin' Daddies, but don't feel too bad, their music is often confused. Typically it's the Zipper's song, _Hell_, that's attributed to CPD, but -" Jimmy registered the annoyance creeping into Tony's eyes. "But you don't really care for music, do you?"

"No," Tony said and then shrugged. "Well, I do, but I'm more of a jazz man myself. As you know, movies are my thing." Tony stood there smiling, like he just revealed something important and was expecting Jimmy to catch on. Jimmy stared back, trying to decipher.

Finally Tony coughed," But tell me, Palmer, is there anything interesting about our victim here?" With a frown, Tony cocked his head to one side. "Like this bruise on an otherwise pasty white shoulder." Tony put both his hands on the table.

There was something smarmy about how Tony was asking. Keeping his eye on him, Jimmy lifted the liver out, leaning forward far enough that Tony started leaning back to keep out of the way. Finally he leaned far enough that he had to take a step away from Jimmy and the table. Even if Jimmy was only the Assistant ME, this was his territory.

"Maybe," Jimmy replied. "I was waiting to present my findings to Agent Gibbs. You may have notice that he gets a might touchy about being the last to know."

The tip of Tony's tongue was between his teeth as he brought up a hand, only to slap it down against his thigh. "Yeah, I've noticed." He nodded and with a very serious look on his face, said, "Your right, but the thing is that Gibbs is in with, Jenny- uh, the Director, doing those things..." Tony got the oddest look on his face. "You know, those things that the Director and Gibbs do. Things that we mere mortals can only wonder about."

Jimmy nodded, wondering where this was going.

"So, I thought that it would be a good idea to come down here and find out if there was any preliminary information that I could follow-up on, because you also know that Gibbs hates delays."

Jimmy couldn't deny that, so he nodded. "And if you had something that would give you a leg up over Ziva and McGee, you might impress the boss." Jimmy put the liver onto the scale.

"Well, yes," Tony said matter-of-factly.

Chewing his lip, Jimmy considered. His name was bound to come up somewhere in the discussion if Tony found something. On the other had, he liked Ziva and her seven-and-a-half, leather-clad feet; she made him feel like he wasn't that kid that got stuffed into a locker. Of course, that didn't get him a date with her. Then there was McGee, who tended to be a jerk every time Jimmy tried talking to Abby and her sized-ten, goddess-like assortment of kick-your-ass footwear.

There was a loud snap and Jimmy blinked. Tony snapped his fingers again. "Palmer, there is a time limit here. If the Director and Gibbs spend too much time together there will be blood."

Crap. Abby's shoes always got to him. Then he took a good look at Tony. Yeah, Tony was the kid stuffing him into a locker, but McGee was a geek puffing himself up by picking on another un-cool kid. Besides, when push came to shove, it was Tony that gave him the cool code-name, Black Lung, back in the day. Jimmy stood up straight and said, "Yes!"

Tony lifted an eyebrow. "Yes, you found..."

"Yes, I'll consider giving you my preliminary information. What do I get out of it?" Yeah, he liked Tony better today, but he wasn't going to be a pushover.

"You get the satisfaction-"

"Cut the crap, DiNozzo."

"So that's the way it's going to be." Tony nodded and then glanced at the iPod as the music changed over to Adam Ant. He waved a finger at Jimmy. "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?" Tony came around the table pointing.

"I've been known to have a chocolate martini-" Jimmy was cut off by a poke to the chest. He had to resist the urge to rub it

"Subtle innuendos follow." Tony poked him again. "Palmer, I heard all about your little hypnosis session with Abby and McGee."

Jimmy's mouth went dry. He had asked, but Abby wouldn't tell him what he said under hypnosis. She kept giving him funny looks. Was it Camp Winnemonka? Crap! Did he tell them about Michelle? Jimmy swallowed, "So this is blackmail?"

Tony's entire face screwed up in confusion. "No. I mean sure it's quirky, but on the scale of things around here, it's only an afternoon's worth of laughter and mockery."

Now Jimmy frowned.

"Jimmy," Tony grabbed him by the shoulders. "This is bribery."

Looking from one hand to the other, Jimmy finally looked at Tony's smiling face. It was the million-watt smile that had seduced a million women - well, maybe a half-a-million because Jimmy had seen him strike out at the bar. But Tony scored with that smile and sometimes he seduced more than women. Control! Jimmy needed to be in control here.

"And this bribe would be?"

Tony stepped back and pulled a flash drive out of his inside pocket, allowing it to dangle at the end of a lanyard, like a hypnotist's watch. No! No more hypnosis. Glancing away and clearing his throat, Jimmy said, "And that has-"

"I'm sure that a man like you is familiar with 2005, Golden Globe nominated film staring Chiwetel Ejiofer, acclaimed actor of stage and screen. Incidentally, he did a kick-ass job as the villain in _Serenity_, but I digress. In this film, he starred as cabaret singer, Lola, who designs..." Tony was dragging out every syllable.

  
Jimmy finally said, "_Kinky Boots_." All things considered, he thought it was probably better that it was only his appreciation of footwear that came out in hypnosis. "And if I was interested in that film, why wouldn't I just buy it on DVD?"

"You would," Tony nodded, eyeing up the flash drive. "This is not the movie. This would be something prized and hard to get. Apparently while they were filming the big scene during the Milan shoe show, they needed several cameras. This," Tony held up the USB key. "This is the uncut footage from the shoe cam."

Jimmy thought all the air went out of him, but then he heard himself whispering, "Where, how? Was it illegal?"

Tony shrugged. "Don't worry, I used McGee's computer."

With a feeling of un-natural love in his heart for the man in front of him, Jimmy reached for the flash drive.

Tony yanked it back, out of reach. "It's yours, provided you have something worth trading."

"I do." Jimmy smiled and turned back to the body. "Don't drink, don't smoke applied aptly to our victim." Jimmy pointed to the scale contents. "That is a healthy liver. No evidence of drug use that I found, but we'll have to wait for Abby to confirm."

"Boring so far," Tony walked behind Jimmy. "What innuendos have you found?"

"What do you see here?" Jimmy pointed at the man's eye.

Tony looked, cocked his head, frowned and then something like a revelation came across his face. "Put on a little make-up, make-up. He's covering up quite the shiner for a guy who supposedly got along with everyone."

"Again, Abby is confirming, but it appears to be theatrical make-up verses drug store cosmetics."

"That makes sense; the Sergeant's wife told us he hung out in a community theater."

"The black-eye in addition to the other bruises." Jimmy folded the Y-incision closed, revealing a line of bruise across the top of the chest; ending at the one Tony had spotted on the man's shoulder. "The marks seem too small to have been made by a punch."

"A man's punch, what about a woman's?"

Jimmy shrugged. "Still too small. You're looking for a blunt object, round, about an inch-and-a-half in diameter. I've been trying to figure out what it could be-" There was a hard slap on Jimmy's shoulder, making him stumble ahead half a step.

"That's what I'm going to find out," Tony said, and dangled the flash drive in front of Jimmy's eyes. Jimmy snatched it, as Tony dropped the lanyard.

He kept walking until the doors slid open. "And Palmer, there's more where that came from, just give me a title."

Jimmy smiled at the key. "_Priscilla, Queen of the Desert_."

"Palmer?"

Jimmy looked up. "What?"

"Just noticing that it's another movie with cross-dressers."

"Tony, there are some inescapable facts here. Let me see if I can put it in terms you'll understand. Wesley Snipes said it best, 'When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen.'"

With a lift of his chin, Tony said, "1995, Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo, _To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar._" Then he nodded. "So you're gay."

Jimmy looked towards the ceiling. There was a reason that they were known as _special_ agents. "No. It means that with that much fashion sense, the footwear is always fabulous."

"Ah," Tony nodded very slowly and started turning towards the door.

"I'm impressed though," Jimmy said. "_To Wong Foo_, _Priscilla_ and _Kinky Boots_. You knew a lot about those movies off the top of your head. Although, considering you're wearing handcrafted Forzieri wingtips, maybe it's not so surprising."

Tony's eyes widened. And he moved one foot behind the calf of the opposite leg, pretending that he was polishing the tip. "Hey, Italian shoes are just comfortable."

Jimmy crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at Tony's shoes.

Tony coughed and fled.

Hanging the lanyard around his neck, Jimmy pulled a sheet out of one of the drawers. "Well, Sergeant, I have passed the pertinent details to a field agent. Perhaps it's time to cover you up and take a little break. It won't be as nice without Michelle, but sometimes a man's got to walk alone."

***

[Kinky Boots](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t9YLlbVTT0) \- runway clip from movie  
[Zoot Suit Riot](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IqH3uliwJY) by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies  
[Goody Two Shoes](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-NBZ_pKNOc) by Adam Ant  
[Hallelujah](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_NpxTWbovE) by Leonard Cohen, KD Lang cover

 

_ **NCIS Fic: What Do You Do? PG-13** _

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Written for Round 6 of [](http://community.livejournal.com/ncis_lfws/profile)[**ncis_lfws**](http://community.livejournal.com/ncis_lfws/). The requirements were for Jimmy up through S5 and what was on his iPod. - The challenge required some level of songfic


End file.
